When I graduated from college, I really wish I could say that I had my life together. I wish I could say I had a plan A, plan B, and plan C. Looking back, I would’ve said that I wished I was getting married at that time, or at least had some sort of prospects. Instead, I was going back home, to live with my parents, with a nanny job in my sights. That was it.
Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t see myself as a total loser – because I wasn’t. But still, to some extent, I was holding these dreams deep in my heart and questioning why hadn’t I reached those dreams yet.
· Getting an amazing job.
· Buying a beautiful car and leasing an incredible first apartment that was all mine.
· Getting married.
· Having children.
And the list could go on
I think when we’re younger, even in our teenage years, we’re given some sort of false hope that when we’re in our twenties, we’ll automatically just have our lives together. We look forward to those years because we’ll finally be done with school, we’ll have an “amazing job that makes us tons of money”, we’ll stop being insecure, and we’ll be that much closer to being married. (insert eye roll here) What we didn’t see when we looked at our twenties were the car payments, and college loan debt. We didn’t see the broken hearts, the insecurities, the friendships that didn’t make it past college. We didn’t see the intense loneliness that can come when you leave high school or graduate college.
It’s not like my life was so awful and so horrible and so devastatingly sad once I left college. Not at all, actually. I had my friends and family, I was working hard to lose that stubborn college weight, I finally got to spend some of my money on me instead of school bills. But I still felt that sense of incompleteness; that feeling of loneliness that whispers in your ear at the end of the day when the world gets really quiet and it’s just you. I felt the spirit of comparison too, of course; seeing some of my friends get married, get offered amazing positions at their brand new jobs they got right after college, buying homes. The thought of, “When would it be my turn?”
Fast forward a little bit, and It was in October of 2016 when I started suffering from an awful hormone imbalance. I mean, it was bad. I had some acne in college (mostly from eating bad and not washing my face enough, I’m sure), but nothing like this. My entire chin and both of my cheeks were covered in huge, painful bumps, and they wouldn’t go away no matter how well I took care of my skin. Foundation didn’t do anything, either. It just made them look even more bumpy. I was so insecure. I didn’t understand why I was going through something so awful. (Maybe it sounds dramatic to you, but to me it was a really painful experience – both physically and emotionally.) I would pray that God would heal my body, that He would take away the acne, that He would reveal to me what was causing it.
In my search for a natural healing for my skin and for my hormones, I discovered the wonderful world of blogs and also a love for investing in myself. Prior to that moment, I was very invested in what I looked like, but not invested in what my heart looked like, or what my body looked like, or what my health looked like. I discovered this love for myself while walking down that road, and I realized that I feel amazing when I take care of my heart, mind, and health.
During that time, I can’t put my finger on what exactly, but something changed. I started developing new dreams. Of course, I still have my old “dreams” but they’re not my only dreams anymore. I started finding ways to work towards my dreams, I threw myself into new activities, developing new skills, and so on.
Notes in my Drawer is one of those many dreams and it has finally come to life. And that dream is this:
I still remember when someone spoke to me about living an intentional life and they told me that was God’s will for my life. Since then, I am striving everyday (and it’s a process, don’t get me wrong) to live my life with intention.I want to show you that you’re not alone in those feelings of inadequacy and loneliness. You’re not alone when you feel down and out. Your dreams don’t have to be pushed to the wayside.
I want to bring back the dreamer in the twenty-something young woman. Like I said earlier, those dreams I had/have are not “bad dreams”, but I’m just realizing there is so much more I want to do with my life. I want you to realize the same thing.